Monday, 6 March 2017

Cuck-Pointer Can't Hold On To Wheelie Bin

A young man who calles people 'cucks' on the internet is the only person in his block of flats who has been unable to maintain possession of his wheelie bin, it is claimed. There are six wheelie bins which reside out the back, and his, marked '71/3' in massive digits, has been missing for three weeks. "Someone's probably taken it by mistake," he told our correspondent, "and they'll bring it back as soon as they realise." Some of his mates online suggested that it might have been feminists, seeking revenge for some of the cutting remarks he'd retweeted, but he's ruled that out. "They'd never do something like that," he said, "they're cowards." Our informant told us that a month ago the big bald man who drives a van at number 75 appeared to have a burned out wheelie bin, but he now appears to have one which has 75 on the opposite side to where all the other bins have their numbers. "Nah, that can't be mine, mine didn't have 75 on it anywhere." said the young man. "Anyway, the bloke at 75 is a sound bloke." Paul hopes that his wheelie bin will turn up soon, but in the meantime he'll keep creeping down in the middle the night to put rubbish in other people's wheelie bins as quiet as a mouse.

Lazy Producer Not Lazy Enough To Use Puffin' Billy, Observes Man

On Earth today a man observed that a lazy producer was not lazy enough to use Puffin' Billy. "It was a similar old Chappell library track being used to evoke that fifties middle England sort of thing more through people's familiarity with the contexts in which similar tracks are used as a sort of code than to directly evoke that which is increasingly before the audience's time, but the producer didn't use Puffin' Billy itself, or the other one [subs - identify the other one] [The Awkward Squad?] [not bad, but that's too specific, we're looking for the more generic one - just make sure you do it before this goes out][don't worry, we won't let you down babes], so credit where credit's due."