Monday, 6 March 2017

Cuck-Pointer Can't Hold On To Wheelie Bin

A young man who calles people 'cucks' on the internet is the only person in his block of flats who has been unable to maintain possession of his wheelie bin, it is claimed. There are six wheelie bins which reside out the back, and his, marked '71/3' in massive digits, has been missing for three weeks. "Someone's probably taken it by mistake," he told our correspondent, "and they'll bring it back as soon as they realise." Some of his mates online suggested that it might have been feminists, seeking revenge for some of the cutting remarks he'd retweeted, but he's ruled that out. "They'd never do something like that," he said, "they're cowards." Our informant told us that a month ago the big bald man who drives a van at number 75 appeared to have a burned out wheelie bin, but he now appears to have one which has 75 on the opposite side to where all the other bins have their numbers. "Nah, that can't be mine, mine didn't have 75 on it anywhere." said the young man. "Anyway, the bloke at 75 is a sound bloke." Paul hopes that his wheelie bin will turn up soon, but in the meantime he'll keep creeping down in the middle the night to put rubbish in other people's wheelie bins as quiet as a mouse.

Lazy Producer Not Lazy Enough To Use Puffin' Billy, Observes Man

On Earth today a man observed that a lazy producer was not lazy enough to use Puffin' Billy. "It was a similar old Chappell library track being used to evoke that fifties middle England sort of thing more through people's familiarity with the contexts in which similar tracks are used as a sort of code than to directly evoke that which is increasingly before the audience's time, but the producer didn't use Puffin' Billy itself, or the other one [subs - identify the other one] [The Awkward Squad?] [not bad, but that's too specific, we're looking for the more generic one - just make sure you do it before this goes out][don't worry, we won't let you down babes], so credit where credit's due."

Monday, 14 November 2016

Precious Roll-fu

Ordering a roll in Greggs was asked was it just a round one or a baguette. Wanted to say "the one that's a roll, rather than the one that isn't ". But I didn't. Is such word usage a thing now, or was she just trying to get another quid out me? What would her motivation be for such behaviour? Do Greggs have a luxury resort where winners of Baguette Pusher Of The Week take their rest? Or is it something more sinister? "If you sell more baguettes this week we'll let you see the kid?" I guess we'll never know.
I don't want to take freeze rolls in aspic. I just want to keep on top of what they are.
Take care of each other.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Two Facts About Everything Counts By Depeche Mode

1. The line 'the grabbing hands grab what they can' is unfair. What else does he expect grabbing hands to do? Hang on a minute, you might say. That might be his point. He might be making the statement in a spirit of 'that's just how things are, it's not fair to judge the grabbing hands, what else are they going to do?', rather than a less sophisticated spirit of 'boo, greed'. Well, I did consider that. I'm not someone who does a half-arsed job, on this occasion. But when I considered what level of sophistication I was looking at, I had to bear in mind the mention of 'a career in Korea being insincere'. This, of course, reminds us of the second fact.

2. Alanis Morrissette is the manifestation in this universe of a mysterious entity which operates in different forms in different times, places and realities. In one parallel universe fairly near here she operates as a superhero called The Ironicization0r, and performs deeds of transuniversal ironicization. More specifically, she facilitates things which would be ironic in this universe, but which aren't in that one. She has a red costume. The Ironicization0r would seem somewhat quirky as superheroes go in this universe but not so much in that one. Anyway, I bring this up because in that universe she has engineered things so that Martin Gore was never in a band but has a career in Korea being insincere.